Marriage

It definitely is the hardest thing that I have ever done. Sometimes I wonder why it is that I am such a failure. I remember when I was single, I had this picture of what a great wife I would be. I've always been one of those people that plan out their lives, sets and strives to achieve goals, and give 100% to everything that I do. Because of the last thing, I have often found myself unable to mix two important life events because there is only 1o0% of me to give up and if I have two, well that's only 50% to each...and so fourth.

When I was imagining my married life, I forgot to factor in the fact that a lot of how I would be and react have to do with who my future husband would be and that he was actually a real person with such real "history"--for lack of a better term. I thought I played every scenario, in my 26 years of single life. Mixing "histories" is hard.

When I met Choua, I was attracted to him for many reasons; one of which was that he was so mysterious. He didn't try to be mysterious--I've known lots of guys who try so hard to come across this way and he is not one of them--he just was. Now it drives me crazy. He also never played games with me.

I have experienced so many different emotions since I've been married, I thought I was out. But every day, I find that I experience a new one. Some are similar to previous ones, while others are new. It's much like the experience I've had as a mother.

I finished watching Desparate Housewives the other night and it really made me think. If I had been in a different point in my life, I may not have sympathized so much for Lynette. It's not that I want to experience feeling sexy and alive again with a new guy. I want to feel alive again with my husband.

I remember the feeling that I had when we first started seeing each other. It was so exciting to think about him. He was the first real boyfriend that I ever had. I had never spent so much time with one man before and I still longed to be with him everyday. In fact, I still long to see him everyday. I'm pathetic. Choua and I work for the same company, but we hardly run into one another. When we are at a company meeting or gathering and I see him, I still get butterflies. In fact, I think I get them more now.

We've experienced a lot of ups and downs, but I know that he is my life. My day is not complete unless I am falling asleep in his arms. I was selfish when we first married and I took him for granted. I know that we've done things that resulted in pain, but I am determined to never walk down those paths again. Life is slipping by us and it should be cherished.