Bad Dreams

It's interesting to me how my views on life have changed in the last five years. Some of the biggest, worst, and most wonderful things have happened to me in the last five years of my life.

Take this book that I am reading. It's affected me. As a mother and daughter, I have conflicting emotions about the story. I am so mad at both the main character and her mom and yet I sympathize with both also. One thing is clear though and that is that our roles as parents (and sorry fathers), and moreover, as mothers is so key in the development of our children and how they treat their own children and those that they love after us. Every child has an inherent need to be loved by their parents and again, moreover, by their mother. Every child should be so loved and treasured.

Being a mother is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever endured...and my son is only two. There is nothing like the love, but the love is also the very thing that breaks me. Sometimes, I want to bottle it up; take the burden of it away from me until I know how to really appreciate and handle it justly. It's overwhelming...and yet so calming.

This morning, I was awakened by Roan again. He hardly ever does this. He was wimpering and then started crying. I went to his room and picked him up from his crib and laid with him on the twin bed in his room. I felt that something had scared him. He immediately stopped crying and I knew he no longer had any fear. He was chewing on his blanket and even though it was still dark, I knew he was looking at me. He rested his little hand on my cheek...and suddenly, my tiredness was forgotten and a blanket of peace fell over me. I can't explain the calm happiness that was in me.

I wanted to lay there with him until morning, but I knew that I didn't want to have to get up every morning to do this with him, so I picked him up, sang our song to him and then told him that I loved him as I put him back into this crib. Torn, I was sad to leave him and even sadder that I couldn't lay with his little warm body against mine until morning.

Back to the book, it frustrates me how the characters in the book just don't seem to know how to express their love for one another and yet it is obvious that that is all that is needed and then it's far too late to mend relationships. I fell asleep with the words on my mind. As a result, Roan was not the only person in our family who had a bad dream last night. I also had one about one the most meaningful relationships in my life. It's funny how dreams have the ability to magnify and bring to surface certain things you want to keep buried.

As I comforted my child, I didn't even realize that he was comforting me right back. Oh, motherhood, how do I do this right, when there is still so much of myself I need to deal with?

1st Project

This is my very first project in Photoshop Elements. It's not the greatest. I need to play around with the pictures first, but I just wanted to complete one.

I really want to get this for Roan because he loves sand and he loves water. In addition, he especially loves being outside. It would work out lovely on our patio. I don't know if I can justify the cost though. I still get teased by the moms in the playgroup about the time I bought Roan the papasan swing because "he's such a good little baby; he deserves it."

Choua and I hardly buy him any toys. Relatively speaking, he doesn't have much. However, he doesn't really like toys all that much...unless they are not his. I always say that he is fickle like his Daddy. Choua used to say that he wanted his children's toys to be rocks and sticks...can I say self-fulfilling? Roan's absolute favorite things include: water, stones, bubbles, and sticks!

We are trying to downsize our lives and reduce clutter. Choua's goal is to live light. It's easy for him because he doesn't really hold things with sentiment. Everything is dosposable to him. I, on the other hand, cannot seem to throw anything out, though I aspire to living more lightly. There is so much waste on this planet.

We are also planning to eat greener. I went to Whole Foods on Sunday and was shocked at two things:

1.) Prices

2.) How much I loved being there!

Marketing totally works on me. Everything looked so beautiful there. The colors of the fruit and veggies all stacked up so beautifully! I felt like a kid in a candy store! The ready to take home foods called to me!

I really wished I had my camera there to take pictures of it! Next time I go, I'll have to bring it with me. I have to admit though, I probably will not go anytime soon. It's quite a drive for me and it's way too expensive. I can get some of the exact things from my local grocer now. Also, Trader Joe's is so much more affordable and closer, though they don't always have everything that we need. Ughh! Why can't this world revolve around me? :p

This is the day that my little boy decided to let me know that he was through with me and my camera.

Disclaimer = Right to Vent?

My hormones have got the best of me again. It seems that ever since I had Roan, I get into this funk the week prior to Aunt Flo's monthly visit. I have no control over my emotions! And now anyone who is reading this knows when I will be menstruating next.

I have been reading Five Quarters of the Orange, the first name of the author escapes me right now, but she also wrote Chocolat. Harris is her last name. Her use of language is so poetic. I feel a little drunk when I'm reading this book. My point, is that reading this book makes me realize that Mom's can never be glorified enough! Simply the crap that they put up with? Can anyone claim to be more unselfish than a mother?

I've been so hating on Choua lately. Why can't I be a little bit more selfish? I know that he would beg to differ, but why am I the only one concerned about our life? Why do I wait for him to make final decisions...why do I bother to try to let him be The Husband? When will he grow up and be responsible? How long can a woman wait for her man? How long should she wait?

To all of the single ladies out there, don't think that just because you fall in love at an older age, with an older man (by older, I mean someone at least in his late twenties), that he knows anything more than the 21-year old in college. In fact, he's probably just better at pretending to be an adult. The minute you marry that guy, he will revert to being the lost child he never grew out of...never wanted to grow out of.

Why am I always such a late bloomer? I seem to experience everything a decade later than my similar-aged peers. When I was 20.5, with my first boyfriend, I could only relate to the teeny bopper girly magazines, doing the quizzes..."Does He Like Me?" Why, oh why...did I have to marry a late bloomer? I was tricked!


My friend sent me this picture of Roan when he was almost two months. I'm dying to have another one...but it's not the right time.

More Pictures from the Weekend

I wish the sun sticker on his hair showed up better in this picture. I don't know how to play with PSE enough to get it to show up without compromising the rest of the photo. I wish I would have bought the 50mm 1.4 lens now. It's almost double the price of the 1.8, but I think I could capture better low light pictures. I am pleased with my 1.8, but eventually...as I get better, I might want the 1.2. Maybe as an X-mas gift.























I love his little face in the corner. For some reason it reminds of the famous line from Dirty Dancing, "No one puts Baby in the corner". But Baby is so cute in the corner.











Look at that mouth...and yes, that is a little bit of chocolate on his upper cheek, under his right eye.

Some of Roan's Favorite Things

Putting stickers on himself...and anyone else who is in the vicinity.

Looking at books (notice, I wrote looking). It's the sticker book, but he loves flipping through books...sometimes pages at a time.

Eating suckers. I know I cut off his head, but the other pictures in the "Sucker" series had even more issues.

Doggies!

Eating GoGurt. I know the picture is washed out, but the attitude of the picture speaks for itself.

Water! He's easing back into it since he fell into the fountain last week at Oak Brook Center. He was scared when we were at another fountain in downtown Elmhurst, but he loved the splashpad. The kids were rescuing a cicada.

Chasing squirrels. He also loves chasing birds, but we don't have a picture of that.

Arlington Race Track

Today was our company outing. It was cloudy, windy, and started to rain, but again, a perfect day for outdoor picture taking. Here are some shots of the event. We didn't win, but we didn't bet much. It was just a neat experience.

My friend won on this one.

...and one random cicada on our front porch.

Promises...Promises

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

I realized that I never posted up pictures from Roan's 2nd birthday. I guess I was hesitant since Choua did all of the photo taking as my child was attached to me. Keep in mind, that Choua hasn't used a DSLR so the pictures are not the clearest. He hates aperture priority...I prefer it so I left it that way and told him to snap away. Looking back though, I wish I would have taken more pictures as now I know that that day was the perfect for outdoor photos. The pictures are straight out of the camera (SOOC) so they are a little colorless, since we didn't know how to take pictures yet.

I think it's so cute how Phauj Paj always puts Jenica next to Roan. What a little dollie?

Roan and Grandpa.